Withdrawals! Yes you heard correctly, I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms form missing two days of my anti-depression medicine. These symptoms included but were not limited to agitation (could not hold still), anxiety, confusion, coordination impaired, dizziness, fatigue, insomnia, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), and vertigo. The nightmares last night are what made me realize that something was way out of balance. Let me explain in the hopes of shedding some light on living with depression.
Eight years ago I was diagnosed with Sever Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder. When you hear the term “Clinical Depression” it merely means the depression is severe enough to require treatment. The anxiety disorder is mostly situational anxiety and is very common when we trust in ourselves and lean on our own understanding and not in Christ.
The road that lead to this diagnosis was years in the traveling and had been traveled my many in my family for at least four generations. Some types of depression run in families and can be traced back generations. There can be a biological or genetic makeup that can allow some to develop more tendencies toward depression than others. However, not everyone in each family will develop depression. Unfortunately I did.
I have been taking the antidepressant medicine Effexor for the past eight years. It has been very effective in helping me learn to manage and live with depression. The problem is that if you miss one day the withdrawal symptoms start. They are fairly mild to start but if you go TWO days, well that’s when it all started. I have now learned that first consult you doctor before you decide to stop taking you medicines and that Effexor is one of the worst for withdrawal symptoms.
If you are struggling with depression or even think you may have tendencies towards it, let me know and I would love to talk with you more about how God has walked me through the past eight years and why I know have such a passion for counseling others.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A day in Nyinbuli South Sudan
It’s 5:30 am and the alarm has just gone off. I turn on a flashlight to let my eyes adjust to the lingering darkness. I pull back the mosquito net and check the dirt floor of our Tukel for snakes, scorpions or anything else that may have wandered in during the night. I search my footlocker for the freshest clothes for today, a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and my sandals. I take my malaria medicine and head over to the central tukel to get the coffee ready it’s my day for breakfast. The coffee smells fresh and goes well with the cool morning, which is just under 70 deg. One by one the others slowly wander in. There is not a lot of conversation in the mornings as everyone works at waking up. Around 6:30 we pray and enjoy our breakfast. Today breakfast is the same as most other days, cereal and powdered milk. We all talk about the night and how our two inpatients are doing and the priorities for the day.
It’s now 7:00 am and the sun is just coming up. We fill our water bottles, grab our gloves and a wheel borrow and head for the river to get more sand. The 1-½ mile walk is still cool and damp from the little dew that holds to the remaining grass that is well over our heads. Once we reach the river it’s a quick “tick check” to see if any have jumped on us from the grass. We load up with sand and head back to the construction site. It’s about 8:15 as we dump our first load of sand. We head back to the compound for a short rest and to refill our water bottles. I quickly set out all the solar lamps and make sure that all the chargers are plugged in. It’s 8:45 as some head out for the second trip to the river as others head for the work site or attend to the medical needs. This walk back from the river is much warmer than earlier as the temperature now sits around 90 deg. It’s almost 10:00 by the time we dump our second load and take a break. There are still morning chores to be done so the break is short. I feed and water the chickens and gather any eggs. If I’m lucky there will be 3 or 4 today.
I change into a dry shirt and head off to the construction site. Isaac is already there getting things set up for the day. I start the mixer for the mortar as we continue laying block. The blocks are 6x8x18 and weigh around 25 - 30 kg or 60 lbs. It now around 1:00 pm and the temperature has exceeded 110 deg so we call it a day and head back to the compound to rest. I change into another dry shirt, third one today, and try to read or sleep but the air is still and heavy and there is no escaping the heat. It’s over 100 deg even in the shade so you just lay there felling exhausted.
Lunch is around 2:00 – 2:30 and today it’s “greengram” and rice. Greengram is a cross between lentils and split pea with an unusual flavor. With a lot of salt and some hot sauce you are able to tolerate it more and get it down. After lunch we spend time in group devotions lead by a different person each day. Today Natalie shared about praying against the enemy and how to hope when things do not seem to be going our way.
After lunch and devotions you try to rest again, but today a man has come to the compound with a serious head injury. He was hit in the head with a “ponga” and has a serious gash over and through his left eyebrow and a fractured skull. Debbie and I tend to his wound and suture up the eyebrow. No rest this afternoon.
Around 5:30 pm it’s time for another sand run. The weather has cooled down to about 100 deg. After a long hot day the last trip is always more difficult. When we return back to the compound it’s time for the evening chores. I bring in all the solar lamps for the evening; filter about 50 – 60 gals. of water for the next day, then feed and water the chickens. It’s now about 7:00 pm and I grad a quick shower which is really a three gal bucket of water and a cup. It is refreshing and you end up somewhat cleaner.
Dinner is around 7:30 and tonight it’s a Kenyan dish called Getheri, it’s kind of like a tomato based vegetable soup. We enjoy the time together and the conversations. We talk about the day, laugh and joke and talk about what tomorrow may hold. You see there is no such thing as a typical day in Nyinbuli and tomorrow will be different.
Around 8:30 pm everyone is starting to head off and get ready for bed. We head for our tukel to wash up. However, when I walked in tonight I felt something crawling on my feet and legs. I turn on my flashlight to see our floor covered in thousands of little black ants. After two cans of Doom, moving everything out and an hour of ventilation we finally tuck the mosquito net and climb into bed. I play a quick game of Sodoku and pray for a cool quite sleep, a breeze would be a welcome relief tonight. We are getting accustomed to the sounds of the night, donkeys braying, frogs croaking, hyenas laughing and babies crying. You drift off to sleep wondering if you are really in Sudan or is it just a dream.
It’s now 7:00 am and the sun is just coming up. We fill our water bottles, grab our gloves and a wheel borrow and head for the river to get more sand. The 1-½ mile walk is still cool and damp from the little dew that holds to the remaining grass that is well over our heads. Once we reach the river it’s a quick “tick check” to see if any have jumped on us from the grass. We load up with sand and head back to the construction site. It’s about 8:15 as we dump our first load of sand. We head back to the compound for a short rest and to refill our water bottles. I quickly set out all the solar lamps and make sure that all the chargers are plugged in. It’s 8:45 as some head out for the second trip to the river as others head for the work site or attend to the medical needs. This walk back from the river is much warmer than earlier as the temperature now sits around 90 deg. It’s almost 10:00 by the time we dump our second load and take a break. There are still morning chores to be done so the break is short. I feed and water the chickens and gather any eggs. If I’m lucky there will be 3 or 4 today.
I change into a dry shirt and head off to the construction site. Isaac is already there getting things set up for the day. I start the mixer for the mortar as we continue laying block. The blocks are 6x8x18 and weigh around 25 - 30 kg or 60 lbs. It now around 1:00 pm and the temperature has exceeded 110 deg so we call it a day and head back to the compound to rest. I change into another dry shirt, third one today, and try to read or sleep but the air is still and heavy and there is no escaping the heat. It’s over 100 deg even in the shade so you just lay there felling exhausted.
Lunch is around 2:00 – 2:30 and today it’s “greengram” and rice. Greengram is a cross between lentils and split pea with an unusual flavor. With a lot of salt and some hot sauce you are able to tolerate it more and get it down. After lunch we spend time in group devotions lead by a different person each day. Today Natalie shared about praying against the enemy and how to hope when things do not seem to be going our way.
After lunch and devotions you try to rest again, but today a man has come to the compound with a serious head injury. He was hit in the head with a “ponga” and has a serious gash over and through his left eyebrow and a fractured skull. Debbie and I tend to his wound and suture up the eyebrow. No rest this afternoon.
Around 5:30 pm it’s time for another sand run. The weather has cooled down to about 100 deg. After a long hot day the last trip is always more difficult. When we return back to the compound it’s time for the evening chores. I bring in all the solar lamps for the evening; filter about 50 – 60 gals. of water for the next day, then feed and water the chickens. It’s now about 7:00 pm and I grad a quick shower which is really a three gal bucket of water and a cup. It is refreshing and you end up somewhat cleaner.
Dinner is around 7:30 and tonight it’s a Kenyan dish called Getheri, it’s kind of like a tomato based vegetable soup. We enjoy the time together and the conversations. We talk about the day, laugh and joke and talk about what tomorrow may hold. You see there is no such thing as a typical day in Nyinbuli and tomorrow will be different.
Around 8:30 pm everyone is starting to head off and get ready for bed. We head for our tukel to wash up. However, when I walked in tonight I felt something crawling on my feet and legs. I turn on my flashlight to see our floor covered in thousands of little black ants. After two cans of Doom, moving everything out and an hour of ventilation we finally tuck the mosquito net and climb into bed. I play a quick game of Sodoku and pray for a cool quite sleep, a breeze would be a welcome relief tonight. We are getting accustomed to the sounds of the night, donkeys braying, frogs croaking, hyenas laughing and babies crying. You drift off to sleep wondering if you are really in Sudan or is it just a dream.
Why I stoped dancing
It's been over four months since I did any bloging or for that matter any writting. Why have I stoped dancing? What has change in me since I returned from Sudan. I hav found myself less and less comfortable dancing on the edge of mysterya nd I want to get the excitment back. It was suggested to me to write my thought and felings about what happend in Sudan and what has happened since we came back. So I will try.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
4 Months 24 Days
That's how long since I have written anything on my blog. I thought I knew why, but now I'm not all to sure.
The list goes on and on and on and ....
November began our 6th seasonal minstry with Salvation Army. It added 30+ hours to my 60+ work week.
Dad had a stroke, Mom has diabeties, Grandma died, Aunt has cancer.
One child moved out and another moved back in. Two lost jobs and one never found one. "Dad can I borrow some money?"
For one child it was marriage on, marriage off, marriage on , marriage off, marriage ?????. Now another one is engaged (on Christmas morning) I want to be happy for them, but ......
HOWEVER! God is still God and he is a good God.
Spring is coming and The "Son" is shining.
Natalie and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage.
I own my own (slightly profitable) business.
We own our home.
We are in mostly good health (nothing major).
We have GREAT friends who love us and a God who loves us more.
The list goes on and on and ...
Life is good and I CHOOSE LIFE!
- Offence
- Depression
- SAD (oh ya it's real!)
- Time
- Holidays
- Work
- Kids in crisis
The list goes on and on and on and ....
November began our 6th seasonal minstry with Salvation Army. It added 30+ hours to my 60+ work week.
Dad had a stroke, Mom has diabeties, Grandma died, Aunt has cancer.
One child moved out and another moved back in. Two lost jobs and one never found one. "Dad can I borrow some money?"
For one child it was marriage on, marriage off, marriage on , marriage off, marriage ?????. Now another one is engaged (on Christmas morning) I want to be happy for them, but ......
HOWEVER! God is still God and he is a good God.
Spring is coming and The "Son" is shining.
Natalie and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage.
I own my own (slightly profitable) business.
We own our home.
We are in mostly good health (nothing major).
We have GREAT friends who love us and a God who loves us more.
The list goes on and on and ...
Life is good and I CHOOSE LIFE!
Monday, October 8, 2007
I was wrong!
Last week I falsely accused Justin of saying something on a video blog post that was not even there. Oh, my ears heard it, but it wasn’t there. I could say it was just an honest mistake that the combination of the dialog and the music sounded like something was there. But why did I feel the need or that it was my responsibility to point it out?
Why do any of us feel the need to comment on others blog posts? Is it for their “edification”? Or that it’s our “duty” as Christians to point out what we think is wrong?
Maybe it’s to make us feel important, to feel like we know what is being talked about.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all implying that every comment is negative and meant to demean the poster. I’m saying that for me I realized, a bit to late, that I spoke before I really listened. I commented before I really looked into it. I thought I knew what I was talking about and I thought everyone else should know it to. But at what cost and to what end? What good did it do? The only good it did was to help me realize that I don’t know everything and that it not up to me to make sure everyone else does. It's to late to undo the damage that was done, all I can do is apologize.
I make a mistake.
I judged.
And I was wrong.
Why do any of us feel the need to comment on others blog posts? Is it for their “edification”? Or that it’s our “duty” as Christians to point out what we think is wrong?
Maybe it’s to make us feel important, to feel like we know what is being talked about.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all implying that every comment is negative and meant to demean the poster. I’m saying that for me I realized, a bit to late, that I spoke before I really listened. I commented before I really looked into it. I thought I knew what I was talking about and I thought everyone else should know it to. But at what cost and to what end? What good did it do? The only good it did was to help me realize that I don’t know everything and that it not up to me to make sure everyone else does. It's to late to undo the damage that was done, all I can do is apologize.
I make a mistake.
I judged.
And I was wrong.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I Commented!
You know it really shouldn’t amaze me that when I choose to put out in public my thoughts, actions, misunderstandings and everything else, via the blog world I act surprised when others disagree through their comments.
I thought I would welcome comments, “educated” constructive criticism, but no matter how ready I think I am, It still hurts and I take offence when it’s obviously misunderstood, not even by the direct person or directly to me but by and through a second party.
Let me explain while trying not to be too specific.
I enjoy reading blogs. Some for fun, some for inspiration and others for growth. I DO NOT read them to “monitor” others thoughts, actions or opinions. And for those who really know me they know that I am far from that.
I looked at a blog the other day and found it to be great, funny and creative. One item caught my attention and I commented on it. I may have been wrong, but I commented. This person explained their feelings I explained mine and I thought that was that. Well I was wrong.
My comment had nothing to do with weather I was “offended”, it caught me off guard and I was not sure what was really there. I did not tell this person what they should and should not put in their blog, I simply brought something up. What I thought was valid, I was told that was not the case and I admitted I could have been wrong and I tried to let it go.
If my comments seemed to communicate harassment, judgment or that I am in any way more righteous than I apologize.
I made a mistake.
I commented!
I thought I would welcome comments, “educated” constructive criticism, but no matter how ready I think I am, It still hurts and I take offence when it’s obviously misunderstood, not even by the direct person or directly to me but by and through a second party.
Let me explain while trying not to be too specific.
I enjoy reading blogs. Some for fun, some for inspiration and others for growth. I DO NOT read them to “monitor” others thoughts, actions or opinions. And for those who really know me they know that I am far from that.
I looked at a blog the other day and found it to be great, funny and creative. One item caught my attention and I commented on it. I may have been wrong, but I commented. This person explained their feelings I explained mine and I thought that was that. Well I was wrong.
My comment had nothing to do with weather I was “offended”, it caught me off guard and I was not sure what was really there. I did not tell this person what they should and should not put in their blog, I simply brought something up. What I thought was valid, I was told that was not the case and I admitted I could have been wrong and I tried to let it go.
If my comments seemed to communicate harassment, judgment or that I am in any way more righteous than I apologize.
I made a mistake.
I commented!
Friday, October 5, 2007
At a loss for words
I’ve never experienced death on a personal level beyond my grandparents. I loved them and have great memories from my childhood. But I can’t begin to understand the depths of loss when you loose a parent, child, brother or sister.
She was a young mother in her 20’s with two beautiful kids. An active, smart and precocious 5 year old and an innocent 3 year old with significant medical needs. She struggled to provide the most basic of needs, seeking God at every turn. She tried to understand the purpose for the difficulties in their lives, abandonment, and feelings of rejection, unsupportive family and self-worth. She was scheduled for gull-bladder surgery next Tuesday to relieve the pain. She never gave in or gave up. She looked to God and the support of her friends.
What do you say to a 5 year old who finds her mommy on the floor not breathing? She called 911, she waited and she wondered.
Her questions still ring out “my mommy’s dead, isn’t she?” “When will I get to see her again?” The only answer, “ Jesus is taking care of her right now”.
I don’t understand. I can’t make any sense of it. I can’t even pretend to understand it. What is God’s plan and purpose? She was young and had a family to rise. Why did he call her home now?
She was a young mother in her 20’s with two beautiful kids. An active, smart and precocious 5 year old and an innocent 3 year old with significant medical needs. She struggled to provide the most basic of needs, seeking God at every turn. She tried to understand the purpose for the difficulties in their lives, abandonment, and feelings of rejection, unsupportive family and self-worth. She was scheduled for gull-bladder surgery next Tuesday to relieve the pain. She never gave in or gave up. She looked to God and the support of her friends.
What do you say to a 5 year old who finds her mommy on the floor not breathing? She called 911, she waited and she wondered.
Her questions still ring out “my mommy’s dead, isn’t she?” “When will I get to see her again?” The only answer, “ Jesus is taking care of her right now”.
I don’t understand. I can’t make any sense of it. I can’t even pretend to understand it. What is God’s plan and purpose? She was young and had a family to rise. Why did he call her home now?
6 months to salvation
To tell you the truth, on the surface I did not expect God to answer my prayer the way he did. . Wait check that. I did not expect Tammy and Anthony to hear wisdom and wait on getting married. They are not getting married on the Oct. 13. They are looking more at May 3, 2008.
So am I off the “hook”? I don’t have to walk her down the isle or give her away, right now! There are still many difficult decisions about their relationship and living arrangement that have to be talked about. But now I have six months to show Anthony the never-ending love, grace and mercy of Christ. I have to look for every occasion to share Christ and provide an opportunity for him to make a decision.
My prayers have changed from “don’t let her get married”, to “if you brought this young man into our lives so that we can be used to bring him to salvation and a right relationship with Christ, then use us”.
So what happens if he does not find and accept Christ by May 3? I can’t answer that. I’m choosing to live in today.
So am I off the “hook”? I don’t have to walk her down the isle or give her away, right now! There are still many difficult decisions about their relationship and living arrangement that have to be talked about. But now I have six months to show Anthony the never-ending love, grace and mercy of Christ. I have to look for every occasion to share Christ and provide an opportunity for him to make a decision.
My prayers have changed from “don’t let her get married”, to “if you brought this young man into our lives so that we can be used to bring him to salvation and a right relationship with Christ, then use us”.
So what happens if he does not find and accept Christ by May 3? I can’t answer that. I’m choosing to live in today.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Fighting for our wives
As Natalie and I walk through these difficult times with our children we have become increasingly aware of the evil ones schemes to use these times to disrupt and divide our oneness though marriage.
The conflict we both feel inside had started to move towards conflict toward each other. Because and only because we had determined and set our minds to stay together in prayer and reading the word, God allowed us to see vivid pictures of what Satan was trying to do and what that might look like if we allowed him to succeed.
So instead of focusing on how our children’s choices were affecting each one differently, we choose to commit the other to God in prayer, every day, all day. The following are some of the short prayers that I pray for Natalie that would apply to any man for his own wife. I am not only encouraging you to pray them for your wife, I am imploring you to pray for her.
Even though we, Christ-ones, win, we still have to fight the battles.
· Pray that you will be the kind of person God wants you to be so you can be the best husband possible for your wife. Ask God to show you how to fully love your wife, and how to pray for her in all situations.
· Pray that your wife will walk closely with Christ, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and be able to discern God’s will and follow it.
· Pray that God will give you insight into your wife’s emotions, and that she would enjoy stability and peace.
· Pray that God will enable your wife to be the best mother she can be, that her children will respond well to her.
· Pray that you wife will fee comfortable communicating with you, no matter what her mood, and that you will be able to help he stay calm and rely on God’s grace when she doesn’t feel right.
· Pray that God will continually strengthen all aspects of your marriage. Protect if from destruction, and grow love between you.
· Pray that your wife will respect and trust you as a spiritual leader, and that you will be completely submitted to God so you can effectively serve as a spiritual leader.
· Pray that your wife will enjoy close friendships with other Christian women, get along well with family members, and will be able to forgive people who have hurt her.
· Pray that God will give your wife the wisdom she needs to discern how she should set her priorities, and the grace to spend her time accordingly.
· Pray that God will give your wife confidence that she is beautiful in His sight and yours, and that He will help her value herself and take care of her body.
· Pray that you and your wife will enjoy a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
· Pray that your wife will recognize God’s purpose for her life, and be able to live it out as she uses her gifts.
· Pray that your wife will completely trust God, trust you as her husband, and be trustworthy herself.
· Pray that God will protect your wife - physically, mentally and spiritually - wherever she goes.
· Pray that your wife will know which dreams God wants her to pursue, and that you will be able to help her pursue them.
· Pray that your wife will bring glory to God through her work, that her work will fulfill her, and that others will respond well to it.
The conflict we both feel inside had started to move towards conflict toward each other. Because and only because we had determined and set our minds to stay together in prayer and reading the word, God allowed us to see vivid pictures of what Satan was trying to do and what that might look like if we allowed him to succeed.
So instead of focusing on how our children’s choices were affecting each one differently, we choose to commit the other to God in prayer, every day, all day. The following are some of the short prayers that I pray for Natalie that would apply to any man for his own wife. I am not only encouraging you to pray them for your wife, I am imploring you to pray for her.
Even though we, Christ-ones, win, we still have to fight the battles.
· Pray that you will be the kind of person God wants you to be so you can be the best husband possible for your wife. Ask God to show you how to fully love your wife, and how to pray for her in all situations.
· Pray that your wife will walk closely with Christ, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and be able to discern God’s will and follow it.
· Pray that God will give you insight into your wife’s emotions, and that she would enjoy stability and peace.
· Pray that God will enable your wife to be the best mother she can be, that her children will respond well to her.
· Pray that you wife will fee comfortable communicating with you, no matter what her mood, and that you will be able to help he stay calm and rely on God’s grace when she doesn’t feel right.
· Pray that God will continually strengthen all aspects of your marriage. Protect if from destruction, and grow love between you.
· Pray that your wife will respect and trust you as a spiritual leader, and that you will be completely submitted to God so you can effectively serve as a spiritual leader.
· Pray that your wife will enjoy close friendships with other Christian women, get along well with family members, and will be able to forgive people who have hurt her.
· Pray that God will give your wife the wisdom she needs to discern how she should set her priorities, and the grace to spend her time accordingly.
· Pray that God will give your wife confidence that she is beautiful in His sight and yours, and that He will help her value herself and take care of her body.
· Pray that you and your wife will enjoy a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
· Pray that your wife will recognize God’s purpose for her life, and be able to live it out as she uses her gifts.
· Pray that your wife will completely trust God, trust you as her husband, and be trustworthy herself.
· Pray that God will protect your wife - physically, mentally and spiritually - wherever she goes.
· Pray that your wife will know which dreams God wants her to pursue, and that you will be able to help her pursue them.
· Pray that your wife will bring glory to God through her work, that her work will fulfill her, and that others will respond well to it.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I want to be vitrified!
I want to be vitrified. Not familiar with that word? Neither was I until I talked to my friend Bill the potter. Vitrified is a pottery term meaning “water tight”. When a pot is under fired it is not completely watertight and can leak or seep.
This is how I am feeling right now. As a father I desperately want to give my daughter everything she has dreamed about. Yet as a Christian who has desires to live an uncompromised life of truth, I don’t know if I can give her away to someone who is not a Christian and at this point in his life does not really want anything to do with God. I have some peace about going to the wedding to support my daughter because she’s my daughter not because I approve of what she is doing. But the action of walking her down the isle and giving her away communicates that I’m ok with this and I’m not ok with it. Some may see the conflict and others can’t see the big deal.
The conflict I feel with in me has begun to seep into all other areas of my life. The way I respond to my wife, how I feel about my own failures, my desire to continue to do the next right thing, work, sleep, and on and on. It’s is a constant battle to “take every thought captive” when every thought is fighting back.
So what am I doing about this? The hardest thing I know I can do, asking God to re-fire me. One thing about a pot not being vitrified is that it can be re-fired; it can’t be at a lower temperature, it has to be a higher temperature. But first everything has to be poured out. And this is what I am trying to do, pour everything out.
I don’t pretend to have the answers or even begin to understand. What I do know is this, I cannot do it on my own, and I need God to re-fire me. I don’t know how many re-firings it will take but I’m tired of leaking all over everything.
This is how I am feeling right now. As a father I desperately want to give my daughter everything she has dreamed about. Yet as a Christian who has desires to live an uncompromised life of truth, I don’t know if I can give her away to someone who is not a Christian and at this point in his life does not really want anything to do with God. I have some peace about going to the wedding to support my daughter because she’s my daughter not because I approve of what she is doing. But the action of walking her down the isle and giving her away communicates that I’m ok with this and I’m not ok with it. Some may see the conflict and others can’t see the big deal.
The conflict I feel with in me has begun to seep into all other areas of my life. The way I respond to my wife, how I feel about my own failures, my desire to continue to do the next right thing, work, sleep, and on and on. It’s is a constant battle to “take every thought captive” when every thought is fighting back.
So what am I doing about this? The hardest thing I know I can do, asking God to re-fire me. One thing about a pot not being vitrified is that it can be re-fired; it can’t be at a lower temperature, it has to be a higher temperature. But first everything has to be poured out. And this is what I am trying to do, pour everything out.
I don’t pretend to have the answers or even begin to understand. What I do know is this, I cannot do it on my own, and I need God to re-fire me. I don’t know how many re-firings it will take but I’m tired of leaking all over everything.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Free will - Mine or Theirs?
God gave free will for a purpose and intended it to be used.
So why does it surprise us when others choose to use that free will?
Is it the how and to what purpose?
Or is it because it’s not our will?
And to what end?
So why does it surprise us when others choose to use that free will?
Is it the how and to what purpose?
Or is it because it’s not our will?
And to what end?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Not So Convenient Christianity
It’s not convenient to get up early every day to pray.
It’s not convenient to tithe consistently.
It’s not convenient to join with other Christians every week to worship.
It’s not convenient to watch what is honoring to God.
It’s not convenient to hold my tongue.
It’s not convenient to think the best of others, no matter what.
It’s not convenient to live with integrity when no one is looking.
It’s not convenient to let my “yes be yes and my no be no”.
It’s not convenient to take every thought captive.
It’s not convenient to live in truth when your kids aren’t.
It’s not convenient to love unconditionally when love hurts.
It’s not convenient to praise God when hope seems deferred.
It’s not convenient to live an authentic Christian life.
It’s not convenient to tithe consistently.
It’s not convenient to join with other Christians every week to worship.
It’s not convenient to watch what is honoring to God.
It’s not convenient to hold my tongue.
It’s not convenient to think the best of others, no matter what.
It’s not convenient to live with integrity when no one is looking.
It’s not convenient to let my “yes be yes and my no be no”.
It’s not convenient to take every thought captive.
It’s not convenient to live in truth when your kids aren’t.
It’s not convenient to love unconditionally when love hurts.
It’s not convenient to praise God when hope seems deferred.
It’s not convenient to live an authentic Christian life.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Convenient Christianity - Part II
What if the conversation between God and Jesus went something like this?
~ “Jesus when you have some free time on your hands I would like you to go down to earth and die for everyone, but only when you have time and it’s convenient for you. There’s no rush and I wouldn’t want you to inconvenience yourself. You can do it whenever you feel most comfortable and it doesn’t matter what my plan is you can do what makes you feel good.” ~
Why have we allowed the world to tells us that living our life for Christ is about us, what we feel comfortable with, what is convenient for us and what we think is truth more than what God’s word clearly says?
Eph. 4:29 - Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but ONLY what is helpful for building others up according to THEIR needs that it may benefit those who listen.
Phil. 4:8 – Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.
Col. 3:5 & 8– Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature, sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
But now you must rid yourselves of ALL such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from you lips.
As I read these verses I could not find anything in them or their context that indicates convenience or how we feel about it. They read very clear to me, yet we and I really mean me, continue to live convenient Christian lives. And we use our reasoning called “GRACE”.
There is a line in the song “Never Give Up On Me” by Josh Bates that says,
“Time after time I’ve used your grace as a way to do what I please”.
Ro 6:1 - What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?
1Jo 3:9 - No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.
To be continued………
~ “Jesus when you have some free time on your hands I would like you to go down to earth and die for everyone, but only when you have time and it’s convenient for you. There’s no rush and I wouldn’t want you to inconvenience yourself. You can do it whenever you feel most comfortable and it doesn’t matter what my plan is you can do what makes you feel good.” ~
Why have we allowed the world to tells us that living our life for Christ is about us, what we feel comfortable with, what is convenient for us and what we think is truth more than what God’s word clearly says?
Eph. 4:29 - Do not let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but ONLY what is helpful for building others up according to THEIR needs that it may benefit those who listen.
Phil. 4:8 – Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.
Col. 3:5 & 8– Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature, sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
But now you must rid yourselves of ALL such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from you lips.
As I read these verses I could not find anything in them or their context that indicates convenience or how we feel about it. They read very clear to me, yet we and I really mean me, continue to live convenient Christian lives. And we use our reasoning called “GRACE”.
There is a line in the song “Never Give Up On Me” by Josh Bates that says,
“Time after time I’ve used your grace as a way to do what I please”.
Ro 6:1 - What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?
1Jo 3:9 - No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.
To be continued………
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Convenient Christianity - Part I
When did living a life for Christ become more about convenience than sacrifice? And when did our selfish need for convenience take on the form of compromise? Now the threatening appearance of compromise has grown into a lifestyle. A lifestyle of what I will call Convenient Christianity.
I’m not sure when it all started, but I believe it was sometime around the “fall”. And so the mindset of “I know better than God” and “You know God these commandments are really not convenient for me” began.
Many of us read the word of God the way we want to rear it. It may sound something like this:
Matthew 19:16-22
16 Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"
17 "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments." ( but only if it’s convenient for you) 18 "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, (only the convenient ones) "'Do not murder, do not commit adultery (unless it only in your mind), do not steal (unless it’s online music or movies), do not give false testimony (unless it makes you look better),
19 honor your father and mother (unless you don’t agree with them)' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.' (unless it’s takes to much time)"
20 "All these I have kept (mostly, ok sometines, well when it was convenient)," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"
21 Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions (that you aren’t using) and give to the poor (but only if you can write it off taxes), and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me (when it's convenient for you)."
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth (and it really wasn’t a convenient time).
I’m not sure when it all started, but I believe it was sometime around the “fall”. And so the mindset of “I know better than God” and “You know God these commandments are really not convenient for me” began.
Many of us read the word of God the way we want to rear it. It may sound something like this:
Matthew 19:16-22
16 Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"
17 "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments." ( but only if it’s convenient for you) 18 "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, (only the convenient ones) "'Do not murder, do not commit adultery (unless it only in your mind), do not steal (unless it’s online music or movies), do not give false testimony (unless it makes you look better),
19 honor your father and mother (unless you don’t agree with them)' and 'love your neighbor as yourself.' (unless it’s takes to much time)"
20 "All these I have kept (mostly, ok sometines, well when it was convenient)," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"
21 Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions (that you aren’t using) and give to the poor (but only if you can write it off taxes), and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me (when it's convenient for you)."
22 When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth (and it really wasn’t a convenient time).
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Truth -vs- Love
“Anthony and I are getting married next month”.
I sat stunned; a hurt blank stare was my only communication. This is not the way I dreamed it would be. The words racing through my mind would be hurtful and damaging, but I wanted to yell them out. “Lord guard my tongue” was my only prayer. All I knew was this was the same guy that three years ago we forbid our daughter from seeing, the same guy that was extradited back to California for robbery. And the same guy that spent two years for the crime and still has seven months on his parole. Before I could gain my composure I heard
“It’s just going to be a small out side wedding and we have a friend who said she would marry us.”
SHE? Wait, What? This goes against everything I believe and hold true. “Lord what’s next”? I asked. I had to turn every thought to a prayer in order to keep form lashing out.
“Is he a Christian?”
“He went to church as a kid”
“But is he a Christian?”
“I don’t know, he doesn’t like going to church”.
“ How can I give you away to someone who doesn’t love God?”
Tears started to flow and the “dad your just don’t get it” look came flying across the room.
Minutes seemed like hours. Time could not move fast enough for me. “I don’t want to talk about this” keep filling my mind. “Take me know Lord” actually flashed through once or twice. By the grace of God I held my tongue and listened. We shared our hearts and truth. She shared her feelings and uncertainty. Yet at the end of it all nothing had changed. They still plan on getting married and expect us to be onboard with it.
I can’t do it! I can’t give my daughter away to someone who does not love God.
Can I?
I sat stunned; a hurt blank stare was my only communication. This is not the way I dreamed it would be. The words racing through my mind would be hurtful and damaging, but I wanted to yell them out. “Lord guard my tongue” was my only prayer. All I knew was this was the same guy that three years ago we forbid our daughter from seeing, the same guy that was extradited back to California for robbery. And the same guy that spent two years for the crime and still has seven months on his parole. Before I could gain my composure I heard
“It’s just going to be a small out side wedding and we have a friend who said she would marry us.”
SHE? Wait, What? This goes against everything I believe and hold true. “Lord what’s next”? I asked. I had to turn every thought to a prayer in order to keep form lashing out.
“Is he a Christian?”
“He went to church as a kid”
“But is he a Christian?”
“I don’t know, he doesn’t like going to church”.
“ How can I give you away to someone who doesn’t love God?”
Tears started to flow and the “dad your just don’t get it” look came flying across the room.
Minutes seemed like hours. Time could not move fast enough for me. “I don’t want to talk about this” keep filling my mind. “Take me know Lord” actually flashed through once or twice. By the grace of God I held my tongue and listened. We shared our hearts and truth. She shared her feelings and uncertainty. Yet at the end of it all nothing had changed. They still plan on getting married and expect us to be onboard with it.
I can’t do it! I can’t give my daughter away to someone who does not love God.
Can I?
Monday, September 10, 2007
Another Rock in the Box
I’ve always liked rocks; the vast assortment continues to fascinate me. I’ve been collecting and studying them for almost 40 years now. I am in NO way even close to being and expert on them. One thing I do know, without any uncertainty, is that they really hurt when they hit you or when you stumble over one. If you pick up one that is too large for you to carry by yourself, you will most likely injure yourself.
So stretch with me for a minute and compare rocks to events in our lives. Some things happen that are a little like pebbles, they can really sting when they hit, not a lot of lasting damage but they can smart.
Then there are times when money is tight and you’re not sure how to make ends meet. A lot like a small stone, it hurts a lot more than the pebbles but you still heal well over time.
The rocks can get bigger and hurt a lot more. They do serious damage; leaving open wounds, deep bruises and long-healing scars.
Many times those we hold dear are the ones throwing the rocks. And yet other times they come from the unknown. Even now there are times when we pick up rocks and carry them when we don’t need to.
So what do we do with rocks? Well as Dee Duke says, “Put another rock in the box!”
You see he compares rocks to our prayers. Picture your life as board, like a teeter-totter. On one end is our box of “life” and on the other is our box of “prayers”. When we have the rocks of life filling up one box we need to put another rock in the box on the other side. If you don’t see your life moving, “PUT ANOTHER ROCK IN THE BOX”.
“But nothing is happening”. Put in a bigger rock. Still nothing. Put in another rock.
Get the picture? Only prayer can lift the rocks of life.
So stretch with me for a minute and compare rocks to events in our lives. Some things happen that are a little like pebbles, they can really sting when they hit, not a lot of lasting damage but they can smart.
Then there are times when money is tight and you’re not sure how to make ends meet. A lot like a small stone, it hurts a lot more than the pebbles but you still heal well over time.
The rocks can get bigger and hurt a lot more. They do serious damage; leaving open wounds, deep bruises and long-healing scars.
Many times those we hold dear are the ones throwing the rocks. And yet other times they come from the unknown. Even now there are times when we pick up rocks and carry them when we don’t need to.
So what do we do with rocks? Well as Dee Duke says, “Put another rock in the box!”
You see he compares rocks to our prayers. Picture your life as board, like a teeter-totter. On one end is our box of “life” and on the other is our box of “prayers”. When we have the rocks of life filling up one box we need to put another rock in the box on the other side. If you don’t see your life moving, “PUT ANOTHER ROCK IN THE BOX”.
“But nothing is happening”. Put in a bigger rock. Still nothing. Put in another rock.
Get the picture? Only prayer can lift the rocks of life.
Wholeness
Wholeness
Hope for the future, for wholeness complete.
Hope in our Father to heal the deep.
To trust in our Lord with all not in part,
With surety of truth and pureness of heart.
For into our dark our Father will send,
His Spirit, a counselor, redeemer and friend.
We’re never alone, His truth is so real.
It’s not based on our life or how we may feel.
Full life He has promised, written words from the past.
They dwell in our hearts, His true light they do cast.
When all is reveled our transgressions we see.
Confession, forgiveness, acceptance, we’re free.
Wholeness, full life, our future is clear.
We were never alone our Savior was here.
He has healed my heart and restored my soul.
The pain in not gone but now I am whole.
Dave
Hope for the future, for wholeness complete.
Hope in our Father to heal the deep.
To trust in our Lord with all not in part,
With surety of truth and pureness of heart.
For into our dark our Father will send,
His Spirit, a counselor, redeemer and friend.
We’re never alone, His truth is so real.
It’s not based on our life or how we may feel.
Full life He has promised, written words from the past.
They dwell in our hearts, His true light they do cast.
When all is reveled our transgressions we see.
Confession, forgiveness, acceptance, we’re free.
Wholeness, full life, our future is clear.
We were never alone our Savior was here.
He has healed my heart and restored my soul.
The pain in not gone but now I am whole.
Dave
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Rocks Hurt!
Today I felt as though I had rocks hurled at me, metaphorically speaking.
Although, now that I think about it real rocks may have hurt less.
The first one was not to big, more like a small pebble, the next one was bigger and had some sharp edges. The last one however was big, real big. Not the biggest I've ever been hit with, but big none the less and I did not see it coming. Smash! Crunch! right in the heart.
It hurts real bad and I know it's going to leave a bruise.
Although, now that I think about it real rocks may have hurt less.
The first one was not to big, more like a small pebble, the next one was bigger and had some sharp edges. The last one however was big, real big. Not the biggest I've ever been hit with, but big none the less and I did not see it coming. Smash! Crunch! right in the heart.
It hurts real bad and I know it's going to leave a bruise.
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